Unfocused

Focus: Hanging Basket

I’m back.  I’m back from my RV trip (see many of the preceding posts), I’m back from Skate for Hope (an incredible ice show in Columbus), and I’m back from Tennessee (where I continued my vacation with my family).

I’m glad to be back.  As much as I love to travel, there’s something about coming home to your own room, your own bed, that is incredibly comforting, especially after a month away.  However, now that I’m home, I’ve realized I have decisions to make (though, honestly, when do we not have decisions to make?!)  

I find that my life right now is a lot like the photograph above of the hanging flower basket.  I’m currently hanging in the balance, and the only thing clear in my life is that I’m hanging, much like the photo where the hanging basket is the only thing in focus.  (Which, I must admit, was not intentional!  I wanted the cute little yellow flowers in front to be in focus, but instead this is how it turned out.  In retrospect, I find I almost like it better…it gives it a unique look.)  I know I have decisions to make: continue my skating career or not, coach or not, classes this summer or not, etc. etc.  Then there are long term decisions to make: follow coaching as a career, become a diplomat or ambassador, do work with non-governmental organizations, join the Peace Corps, have a family (which hinges on first finding a husband; that tends to be how it works), where to live – abroad or in the US.  It seems as though everything is unclear besides the fact that it  is unclear!

I really dislike this unfocused state I’m in.  There’s no other way to say it besides frankly: it sucks.   I’m a person who always has a goal, always knows what she wants and works to achieve that.  For a while, it was my skating dreams.  Now, though, I’m not sure if my life is supposed to take a different direction.  Regardless, I find myself restless, on edge, and confused.

However, I also know there’s a lot I’m overlooking when I’m in one of these moods.  Like the picture above, I know that there is beauty all around me, whether I can see it clearly right now or not.  I know I’m blessed with far more than I deserve, and for that I’m extremely grateful.  So I know I shouldn’t complain; I should start counting my blessings (my friends and family, my health, my education, skating, etc) and stop being so preoccupied with the fact that my life has no direction at the moment.

But, let’s face it, as humans we tend to complain (I mean, there’s a whole website dedicated to reasons we think our lives are f***ed).  I guess right now, if I were to give myself advice, it would be to complain if I want to, but also to appreciate everything I have regardless of how unclear things may be.

…Just as I can appreciate this out-of-focus photo.

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